I wept for you

the last few months have been weighing on me, working on me, pulling at me. i have dug up and drug out ever posible excuse to wallow in my own self. tonight i was reading a dear friends blog, and he posted a link that i too will post . the story of Danny and Annie Perasa. www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5230164
it made me slow down, it made me think, it made me sob like a child, maybe i needed a good cry, and if i had to give the tears away, these two folks deserved them. for love, for life, for the unselfishness that comes in finding yourself in someone else. it made me find a thankfulness for the love i have in sandra, and how much she has changed me. we live a pretty normal life, other than the lesbian thing, oh, and the part about her needing a new organ and having to have dialysis three times a week for about 4 hours each time. the rest of this pertains to any and all of you reading this, feel free to post a comment, but i won't discuss this blog with you. this is me now, this is the part of me that hates her being sick, and hates the fact that i am helpless and hates the fact that it can't just go away. this is the part of me that is so scared inside that i can't and don't even talk about her being sick. the first week i lived with her she was put in the hospital, her body had lost five pints of blood. now for those of you counting, that means she was running on 3. i remember being so scared that i came home and sat outside of jeremy's bedroom and cried til he woke up because i couldn't find the hospital. then i remember the nurses telling me i wasn't family and i couldn't see her because she was too sick. that fear still sits in the back of my brain. she is well, happy, and living quite normally besides the dialysis thing these days. i don't know, i guess i just felt that stir in me as i was sitting here listening to their story, how much they love each other, and the little things they do . when sandra and i were doing the long distance relationship, i used to call her and tell her i was standing on my head just to make her smile, of course she laughed, and my job was done. what i haven't told her, unless she reads this, is that i will gladly stand on my head for eternity...just to make her smile. i'll probably delete this, and i most definately won't discuss it, that includes you too sandra. typing is one thing, speaking is another.

Sleep baby girl, sleep

Over the last few weeks, I have noticed speedy getting more sluggish than her regular ferret self. I had her out sleeping in my lap tonight, and I could feel the little knots and cysts that have developed in her abdomen. She is getting up there for a ferret, she's probably, and I'm guessing, in the 5-7 year range, I'm not sure how old she was when she was given to me. My little angel, hopefully it's just a slump, so send good thoughts and love to my speedy, I'm sad about her right now, she's my first baby girl. She is irreplaceable, and now I will only think good speedy thoughts.

If you're happy and you know it...

This makes me smile, what a happy little fish.

First things last

This morning I stopped at the gas station by work to fill up on 20 oz's of coffee goodness, and while I was there, I was somehow brought into this discussion. Behind the gas station is a lot that joins our property to them, now on this lot they are building a new elementary school. One of the welders for this project was getting coffee as well since they had been rained out, and felt the need to tell me how easy his job was, how much money he was making, and the best part of all, he doesn't have to be so careful like he did on the oil field welding, because there isn't a city supervisor inspecting the welding at the schools. The scary part is, I don't even think he realized what he was telling me the complete stranger, about his, or his companies, or the cities state of mind. So I said to him, what you are telling me, is that we care more about a computerized oil field than we do about a building full of several hundred small children. He just walked away. Excellent, we have oil, but your grammar school student might die because of the schotty job we did, because we cut corners on education. I just thought it was funny , in that sad state of affairs kinda way.

I don't like me, you shouldn't either!

I don't feel good about myself today. I have squashed the positive and accentuated the negative in myself. I know what you are thinking, and yes , you are right. These are my feelings, a lot of me and I going on, and I should just get over it. Well, I don't want to , I'm just gonna ride it out. The last few years I have made a point to not wallow for long periods of time, and to be more positive and happy, but I have discovered, if I don't give myself some time to point the finger at myself, and give myself a reality check every so often, I become a crazy emotional asshole. So today I play video games, drink beer, and ignore the world. My head has a way of trapping me some days, and a little thought that should have evaporated days ago will linger and fester, and I'll think it to the point of self combustion, which is what is happening right now, so back to the playstation, the mind numbing, and the pissing in the general direction of all you chemically balanced people that don't get it. That is all... Perhaps I'll learn a new song on my guitar.

Dream Blogger

The last couple of weeks have been very busy for me. When I get home, I have a million prior commitments, and a little dog nipping at my heels, and I just haven't had time to write. Work is super busy, and super understaffed, so busy isn't quiet as descriptive as say, physically exhausting. I have however fell right to sleep everynight, and then had weird dreams. One night this week I dreamed I was pregnant, shudder the thought, the next night I was hosting a blowout beach party, complete with all of the debauchery you would find at said parties. Last night I dreamed I was in prison and I escaped. Whatever I did must have been good, I was all over the news papers. So as you can see I have had a very busy week, both in dreams and waking, as soon as I get myself back to a moderate stress level, I'll settle back into the fluff you all know and love to read.

Fuck productivity

Today I had momentary thoughts of doing things. You know, dishes, laundry, bills, adult shit. I lingered on that for a few minutes, (linger always makes me think of farts) turned up the radio loud enough to disturb anybody within 10 miles of me and danced around to my own little mini concert. During really good songs I jumped around flipping the bird in the general direction of the fore mentioned chores. At one point I had a black gospel choir backing me up at this. I feel illuminated, and have decided to piss on the rest of the day and finish my happy dance, if you need me today for anything that isn't fun, I'm not available.


"I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines (yeah yeah)
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes,
but I can't live that way (oh oh)
Staring at the blank page before you,
open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten"

Valentine mush

Yesterday was our 7th anniversary, and valentines day, so snuck out late Monday night and put the first surprise in sandras car so she would find it when she left for work. Then I came home on my lunch break and left her a dozen roses and another present since she would be home before me. When I got home from work she had made all of these little cards and I a little scavenger hunt all over the house/yard. At each card there was another little gift, sometimes we are so romantic it makes me want to puke, hehehe, nah. You guys are probably gagging though....

Years of round trip plane tickets : over 3000 dollars

Move across country : over 1000 dollars

Anticipating your 7 year anniversary with your soul mate :

PRICELESS

one week and one day

that's how long since i've had alcohol. (shrug)

Smartest dog in the universe

Last week Sandra taught the dog how to sit on command. Today I taught her how to shake hands, or paws as the case might be. I think I have a puppy genius on my hands.
So now when we meet people , they are all impressed, I'm all, sit, shake, and she does it. Amazing. I know it's the little things that make me happy.

Meet the Flintstones

Today I met the cutest little old couple. His name was Barney and her name was Betty. He chuckled after he told me this and then said, you know like the flintstones neighbors. Then he smoked on his pipe and hummed the flintstones song for a second. They were the highlight of my day. He said, "We are honeymooning! Going on 52 years now!" His cute little wife just giggled along with him, and laughed at all his jokes, making sure to get a one liner in here and there for herself. I like to think these people are not coincidence. I have been having a crappy week at work, really bogged down, drudging through the paper work of management past and perhaps future. (She won't let go, she's in the hospital, having her loins ripped by a small human, and still I have to hear her baby story shit.) Anyway I digress. It does seem like that's all it takes to cheer me up though. One genuine human being, with so much happiness inside it's contagious. I'll file Barney and Betty into my good people category. I'm sure I'll see them again. Now I have the flintstones song in my head.

i am at work right now, and i'm a little pissed off. the old boss is being a stuborn ass, and has given all the youngens the early weekdays off, and has not seen fit yet to hire any other temps for the season. this means that tomorrow i get to unload 3 trucks with 3 men over the age of 60. nice, very nice. i can barely carry myself on a 3 truck day, let alone a group from shady pines. then he tells me get over it , nobody's perfect. i guess he was talking about himself there, cause he sure as hell isn't even close lately. forget perfect, i would just like hime to be blessed with common sense. fuck it, i'll just let him show up and see. i refuse to carry anyone's weight but my own.

Sit, good dog!

We have mastered sit, and for a brief dog biscuit induced moment we also managed stay. Hooray we have a dog that listens to us, and it's only been 2 weeks. I see the doggie olympics in her future, she is gifted, perhaps she will bring me fame and fortune. Okay, okay maybe I'm just bias because she is mine, but sit and stay are 2 very good things to have your dog know. I'm excited!

sick be gone

after having to take a day and a half off work i can finally hold down fluids again. so back to the grind today, weak and 5 pounds lighter. i suppose i could just look at it as a weekend crash diet?!@?@!@?

Would you like that plant with chunks or without?

I think I have the flu. Cold aching sweaty and puky. I found out all you have to do to come home early from work is throw up on a few things. Nothing like a ten foot trail of puke to prove an illness. I also work with all men at the moment, and they were all freaking out, you could see it in their eyes, the fear of having to console a sick girl. They took a quick vote, and I'm off the island until tomorrow.

Cheer up, she's asleep!

how can you stay mad at that face. She thinks her name is "no" because I have to say it so much. With the way our schedules work out, Sandra doesn't get to see as much of her because of dialysis, so I think I have taken the mom role. She has learned how to jump in my lap and this is where she sleeps now. I move here over all cute and sleepy to sandras lap, and she comes back to me. This is a chore because I am lola's mom too. She has to have lap time everyday as well. Last night I dosed on the recliner with Lola laying longways and the pup using Lola for a pillow. Rescue animals are indeed very grateful to the first person that scoops them up and shows them love. Now I just have to find a little space on my lap for wifey, or we'll all be in the doghouse.

It's not you, it's me, really...

if you get the short end of the stick from me today, don't take it personally. i'm pissy, and not nice right now. i'm stressed out from work, 3 trucks a day divided by 3 people, you do the math, exhausted, and still walking this little mouth, i mean dog, who just ate an ink pen because my fingers weren't available. sandra and i had a big fight last night, well, i had a big fight, she just did the dishes and ignored me mostly, she's very graceful that way. so the moral to the story is my plate is full of my own doing, i got raging drunk, and today i have to chew on the things i said and make up for them. so i'm best left to my own devices at this point, grumble grumble grumble...

Magic Happens

My friend Melanie sent me this picture today. It is an albino white tail deer. Some folks saw it in the road thinking it was a baby goat and what a wonderful surprise they got. It is by all means a freak of nature. They talked to a game warden and were told it was a one in more than a million chance that this little guy ever existed. Small as a shoe, hours old, magic I say. Beautiful. Simply beautiful. These are the things that move me. This is an amazing little animal. To even have been fortunate enough to see a picture is a blessing to me. I hope you have a charmed life little one, you are special.