Proud of me?

My dearest blog, it has been to long, the calendar has posted another year and I haven't written enough. It has taken the last week to process the trip home, several days to filter out the family guilt, many hours getting back to being gay. This double life thing is crazy for those of you who haven't tried it, I don't really recommend it. The distance does make life a little easier. It would however be nice to bring the wife home for the holidays, if she wanted to be subjected to it. I do have many nice snapshots captured in my head tho, pics with my friends/real family. And pics with my mom, which were a first. I can see in her eyes as the years pass that she knows she is getting older, and we need to have all the good times we can. Don't get me wrong, I want her to outlive me, and at the rate I consume alcohol she probably will, but the world is a crazy place and I want all of her dreams to come true. I wish I had more to give her, I wish I were better. If wishes were nickels I would be rich. The word home is swirling around in my head today, bouncing off of the sides of my wine glass now as I drink. Home is such an abstract thing to me, I have called every place I felt safe home. The years I crashed at seth's house felt like home. The months I spent at dawnia's house, mainly just sleeping, felt like home. When I hug Jeremy it still feels like home. My life here with Sandra feels very much like home. Oddly enough the town I grew up in doesn't feel like home anymore. It's so hard for me right now, the one time in my life when my family is finally at a place of peace, is the time I feel the strangest. Oh believe you me I want to slip back into it like an old sock, but my heart needs to feel free in the new family that I have. I almost said chose, but I don't think with all of the grief this causes that I would really have chosen the lifestyle I have. I'm not a bad person. I love my wifey, take care of my pets, dream of growing old, just like everybody else, but I know it's not that easy yet. The wife's j.o.b. keeps us in the closet, because the world sees all gay people as bad. Anyway, I don't feel bad. I don't want to feel bad. I just want the same things everybody else wants. A little respect, some unconditional love from the people I deserve it from, and a warm little brown woman sleeping by me every night. My great uncle tried to guilt me into the republican/Christian right when I was home. I looked at him, I pointed out my moms front door at the beautiful mountains near her home and I said, look at this , look at where we were raised , and thank your god for it, you all gave me the knowledge and wisdom to be a free thinking adult, basically, you made me , be proud of that. One day I hope I can be proud of who I am... right now i'll just finish this wine.