tether brain

do you remember the game tether ball when you were a kid. well, thats how my brain feels this week, the holidays were so fast paced, i feel like i'm being beat back and forth between family and friends, and i just seem to get settled down to write, then "WHACK"! someone takes another swing and i'm off sailing through a hundred other thoughts, reminders, memories, chores, bills, pets, ect...ect...ect.... so while i have a few wee moments to myself i thought i would tell everyone happy new year, and be safe. i'll work out my resolutions tomorrow, tonight i will eat mary... hehehe, i mean eat drink and be merry. i don't even know that other chick. okay, i'm off now to shit shower and shave, load up the car and head out to the ranchette for a big gay new year. i guess i'll post again next year!

welcome back kotter

i am home, christmas is over. i have survived. more on this story later

Jesus, George Bush, and Me.

So I'm sitting here at a friends house, Christmas night. Hiding from my family. Today I had the pleasure of sitting between two ultra Christians, who both needed to save me. The argument ended with me calling them both old farts, and then having my picture made between the both of them. Hey love g.w, I love chicks, you can see where this sidewalk ends. Now as the beer warms my cheeks and I imagine them both choking on a giant spoonful of democracy. I will spend the next fleeting moments with friends that appreciate who I am , and then I will go back to my family. I love them, really I do...

smelly

great fun, my body is tired and still recovering tho. come back and see us again, i won't make you drink so much next time. and i will refrain from stealing your phone. a few more drinks we coulda had a christmas song

1 glass of wine
2 margaritas
3 cape cods each
and too many beers to count.

to the tune of partridge in a pear tree of course.
merry christmas

wear fur you beasts

there are 2 dogs in my house. they are both wearing clothes. they both like the clothes. lola looks at them with much distain. the boy dog has on a t shirt, the girl a sweater and rinestone collar. funny little things they are.

beelers

i was having a granola bar over the keyboard here, and i had a little chuckle when i realized the crumbs were all in the keys. i was remembering the page you told me about when we were chatting the other day, the things we argue about or something to that effect. then i realized, i am to sandra what dawnia is to you...hehehe.

i had another beach pick up, but then i found this one... no pretty water, but me and my baby were there together. ohhh, awww, i know, i know, damn cutesie lesbo love

ups for meeee

it is ten of the p here, and the ups man just came. dingin on the bell at 10 pm, for the love of my smelly feet and pajamas, those boys dont quit til they deliver everything. now i have to wrestle it away from sandra to see what it is.

it's 65 degrees today, and the sun is bright, and my brain is full, if not over full of thoughts and memories, and things, and all i want to do is lay down on a quilt in the sunshine. brain brain go away, think again another day... back to work

i took one of those online test that t likes so much, this one is for chakras, here's what mine says...
http://web.tickle.com/tests/chakra/?sid=2005&supp=search_chakra_test&test=chakraogt
now i'm taking my chakra to bed.

Donna, you are radiating positive energy from your:5th chakra.This is the chakra located at the top of your throat. The fifth chakra represents honesty and truth. In your case, this chakra appears to be clear and unblocked so that positive energy can flow from it freely. Radiating positive energy from your fifth chakra indicates that you've cultivated higher wisdom concerning the important life lessons associated with this energy center. You're apt to feel a more burning need than others do to speak the truth, treat people with respect, and act with integrity. Possessing strong fifth chakra energy also suggests that you're not one to fight your life's natural path. Instead, you seem to align your will with divine will.More than many others, you really are able to go with the flow. Perhaps this is because you sense that your life is connected to something greater. Such a belief can help you accept situations that don't go your way. It gives you the ability to remember that life has meaning in store for each of us, regardless of how things appear to be going at any given moment. Your willingness to let your life unfold and to stay anchored to what's true likely gives confidence and inspiration to those around you each day. Such positive energy is admirable. At the same time this positive energy is being conveyed, you are showing signs of an energy disruption in your Sixth Chakra. This blockage could be connected to an internalized fear about what will happen to you if things in your life get out of control. In fact, most of the time, you probably like to predict what is around the bend. Perhaps such planning makes you feel like you can prevent unwanted things from happening. Often this tendency has its roots in childhood when people are most unable to control the negative circumstances in their environment, like a divorce or a loved one's death. At moments like these, it's easy to feel completely powerless and exposed.As a result of such trying experiences — whether in childhood or later on — some people develop a strictness in their lives and a very structured way of handling things. The assumption underlying this kind of behavior is if everything is in place, nothing horrible will occur. However, sometimes life demands change so that a person can grow and develop as an individual. At such times, structure for the sake of safety can be a dead-end road. When you find either a need for control or the fear of collapse building up in your own life, try to reassert that not all uncertainty is bad. Being open to change and surprises can be a wonderful way to both clear your sixth chakra and allow in life's happiness.

It's my job ma'am...

These are a couple pics from spring, I'm finally getting around to updating my design portfolio. So for alls yous guys that wonder what I do all day besides scratch my ass and watch the clouds float by, this is it.

The regal beast

This is the mighty lola, from previous post.

Sniff and run

this is what i think just transpired: the following events are between a cat and ferret, no humans were sniffed or bitten in this odd interaction...


Speedy: Can i sniff your butt?

Lola: NO, I will bite you in your face.

Speedy: How bout i sniff and run?

Lola: Okay, then i will chase you down and bite your face.

Speedy: (sniff sniff)

Lola: meow reow,* wack* bam* biff *smack *bite*

Speedy: How bout now, can i sniff your butt now?

The life of a...

toes on the edge...
wait for it...
wait for it....
the build up is electric...
wait for it...
nothing between you and the ground...
wait for it....
in a moment you will know...
feel...
be...
EVERYTHING
wait for it...
static arcs...
wait for it...
lean in...
the air is the only thing holding you in place...
wait for it...
inhale...
wait for it...
let go...
let go...
let go...
sweet release...
fall...
Fall...
FAll...
FALLLLL...
THE WAIT IS OVER...
fall...
fall...
fall...
contact...
impact...
no more wait...
you disperse into a million places...
pieces...
things...
energies...
moments...
you are...
you know...
you thrive...
i think this is how a raindrop feels. i want to be a raindrop.

Daydream believer

So I'm suppose to be doing inventory today, which means that on a five acre lot, with only 2 other people working, I am spending the day wandering around rescuing cold lizards to the greenhouse, whistling at birds, and watching the buck and three doe play in the back nine. I found a hole in the fence, and about 20 yards in the woods, the nicest little hide out. Two chairs, a log foot stool, and multiple beer cans. I believe this to be the secret meeting spot I have heard the boys giggle about. The trees are so dense out there that I want to lay down and make angels in the leaf litter. It smells all warm and earthy, and if I try really hard I can completely drown out the traffic from the distant highway, and just hear the cardinals sing. The black squirrel has been following me around all morning, he always pops out and scares me at the most inopportune times. I just can't seem to concentrate on counting stock, besides, I'm not a moron and I'll have it finished in an hour when I start, but the entire day has been set aside for me to finish this chore. A fresh wood to explore, multiple bugs and lizards to be saved, and my lunch break is almost over. So much world, so little time.

We are not groupies. We are here because of the music, we inspire the music. We are band aids.

You can't see me

Somedays I still have the urge to pull the covers over my head and make myself invisible. Somedays I still do. It works you know. I think in fact that I will start packing an extra blanket for work and outings so that when I am confronted with a situation that I don't want to deal with, I can pull the cover over my head and politely excuse myself. "I'm sorry, you are a dumb ass, and I now have to become invisible." It sounds feasible. I intend to work on it over the Christmas holiday. That is all.

Flaming airplanes and other entertaining tales of pain.

So I am sitting here avoiding the two credit card bills that I forgot to pay this month. As I was looking at them all folded neatly, I couldn't help but reach out and fold one in the shape of an airplane. Okay kids, pull up a chair, fold your bills into airplanes, and don't stop me if you've heard his one.

As a child my mother use to leave me in the less than capable hands of my two older brothers. I still bare scars from many of these misadventures, but the one story that sticks out the most, probably because a good friend of mine use to make me tell it everytime I met one of her friends, was the airplane story, scratch that, the flaming airplane story. You see, my brothers were nothing short of the modern day redneck Macgyvers of their time. A bit of gum, or a length of string became deady weapons as far as I was concerned. Now on this particular day they had chosen to have a friend over, bless him, his name was Walter, as dumb as he was goofy looking. He always managed to break something at our house, so he wasn't suppose to be there. I took it upon myself to enforce this rule in my mothers absents. Apparently I was being a little too bratty that day because the wrath of the three half wits fell on me. First my brothers started throwing paper planes at me, mildly dangerous, not life threatening. Then they started getting crafty, taping up the nose and tail so it would fly faster and hit harder, still no life threat. Then thanks to a flicker of brain control and a roll of duct tape, some small push pins and a lighter... the next damn thing I know I have flaming missiles coming at me in our livingroom. The rest is like a scene from one of those old black and white war films, go with me on the melodrama here. Picture me, just 20 years younger, running away in slow motion just as a flaming airplane, complete with push pin nose piece sticks in my back. I run faster, the flames grow. I stop drop and roll, impaling myself on the push pin. The singed kitchen curtains and charred paper were the only remains of that days battle. I licked my wounds, limped away, and buried those assholes bicycles in the backyard. There really should be a purple heart for growing up .

Christmas Break

I was coming home just a bit ago and I got in behind the school bus in my neighborhood. This usually pisses me off. Today I just tooled along behind the bus watching all the happy little Christmas kid types popping off the bus like the door was a magic shoot to happiness. Ahh sweet freedom. The air outside the bus always did smell a little nicer on the day of a holiday break. Little hands filled with this and that red or green thing, mouths dripping with cookies and candies. I know more than a handful of people that would give their right arm for that kind of innocents again. I count myself in that lot. I have however decided that happiness is just that in life. It's this or that shiny thing. It's a mouthful of your favorite candy, you all have one. It's a day at the beach. It's waking up to the purrr of a cat in your ear, or feeling cold feet in your bed. It's the way you feel on a sunny day with the top down. It's the way you feel when you turn in that article early. It's sitting around playing games and talking with old friends. It's whatever makes you smile, I'm droning on like a fool, but I am a happy fool with happy fool friends for the most part. A person like me could do worse I suppose.

Remember

The air is cold, from the river valley I can still see the ice on the mountain top. My fingers are numb, but I keep paddling because the company is warm. Very few people appreciate a 3 hour canoe trip on the Tennessee river in January.

Flash forward, seventy-five feet, now a hundred, to far to go back, "let's climb all the way to the top." A small boulder style rock falls past his head as I travel up first, he just laughs. You are invincible in the safety of friends you know. That day we climbed a waterfall after some flash flooding to the top of montlake mountain. Soaking wet we walked back down the main road til we got to the bottom.

I'm calling in sick, you call too. We'll go white water rafting down the occoee." ok ". Mind you we worked at the same place at the time. Flash forward to rafting: the guide is all watch out for this rapid it's a big one. I listen, tuck in my feet and save a floundering Jeremy from falling over the side. Next rapid, my turn, I see myself going over the side, I see him seeing me go over the side. Nice save, I popped up outta the rapid some 40 feet later. Jeremy just shrugged and jumped in to swim with me. A million and one other great things like that. That's what friends are for.

Flash forward :today, lunch at a greasy spoon. We could barely look at each other, we didn't really talk, but you could tell it was important to be there. I took myself out of the relationship because I didn't want to be hurt when I lost my best friend. Now here I sit hurt ANYWAY because I am driving my best friend away. Tonight Sandra and I have been invited to the new house, with the new boyfriend, and the new dogs, and i will go, and i will smile, and i will know that we are still friends, and that he is trying just as hard as i am to adjust to this thing called life. I know we will always be friends. I just wasn't ready to remember yet.

Oh Brother

Time, 2:12 p.m.
Me, still in my p.j.'s.

I spent last night puking like a frat boy at a whorehouse. I woke up at 2 am, puke, 5 am, puke, 7 am, puke, and finally passed out til now. I am too old for this. Sorry I kept you up all night babe. As my pentance, I am going to go clean the toilets and trash cans that were unfortunate enough to be in my wake. Perhaps i will brush my teeth with the toilet cleaner thing, i think thats the only way to get the scum build up off of my tounge. I am armed with clorox, the charlie brown christmas soundtrack, and a quart of orange juice. So at any time during the day when things just feel to shitty to handle, think of me, in my p.j.'s, hair flapping to the east west north and south, toilet brush in hand, dancing to the linus and lucy song, puke be damned, toilet be cleaned. Good thing i can still blame it on my crazy twenties... It's a good cover story anyway.

ConversionS

Okay, so i'm wondering, if the serving size and nutritional info is all in spanish, does it still count? Ahhh fuck it, either way i ate the whole thing, yummm. Buy a fat lady a bag of chips and then hug her lard ass. hehe. I'm goin ta hell, I'm drivin the bus, and I'm stoppin at your house, get your shoes asshole your next.

survival

today i had to decorate another stupid tree at work. i got to choose the theme. i put red garland, and only bird and cat ornaments. when i was done they asked me the theme, i replied, "surviving christmas". they didn't get it, i choose not to explain to them that in everyday life cats eat birds, thus the ironic twist. i'll just let them think i'm weird.

The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break, it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure that it will kill you too, but there will be no special hurry. - Ernest Hemingway

Birthday call

i posted this last night , and took it down, at the kind suggestion of a friend i am reposting, it makes me feel a little raw though...


So my brothers both remembered my birthday, and they said their wives made them call, but it's ok, cause they both called. As the last few years of my life have moved on here in san antonio I have realized how much I miss those fuckers. You spend a damn fine lot of your life with siblings if you are lucky enough to have them. I was. I am. We had a shitty life growing up. We never knew we were poor, because everyone we knew was also poor, but we did know we were different. We didn't have a car. We were split up on a number of occasions, which I never talk about because it hurts still, jesus, we didn't have indoor plumbing until I was 5, that's 1981 if you are counting. All beside the point, we are all now in places that make us feel safe. We are all now with people that tell us we are loved. It's one thing to know it , it's another thing to hear it. When you grow up scared, you need to hear it. A blanket of happiness to my mother. I pray for her happiness everyday. She loves us so much. She gave us all she was, and is, and she is still giving. It has just been in the last few years of my life that any of us has ever told each other we love each other. If you love it, it leaves. And fuck him for leaving and passing down a generation of hate and sadness and pain. It has taken my family 30 years to be able again to feel, and this post above all others is more to myself than anyone else. Today I talked to my mom and both of my brothers, and we all told each other we loved each other, and even though I spent today alone, I was loved, and I know it, and that is far better than any gift. Getting older brings a whole new spin on the world. Words aren't quiet as sharp as they use to be, anger is harder to find, and tears flow freely when they need to. It just felt good to hear them say it , you know? Happy birthday to me....

Waiting

wake up and tie your shoes,
pack up your lunch, the world is waiting.
call your pals, brush your hair,
the world is waiting.
look for your keys, pocket some loose change,
the world is still waiting.
feed the cat , check the mail, the world is waiting...
find the place you think you've lost, breathe breathe breathe,
open your eyes...
the world is still waiting

Dec. 12 1976

29 years ago on dec. 12th in the wee hours of the morning my mother sat around debating wether or not she was in labor. at the last minute she decided , yes , i think i am. were it not for the stealth and speed of one doctor, my brain would have been mush. aparently i came to quick and he just happened to catch me. that was the beginning of the fun. shortly after my turbulent arrival, they realized i had poison ivy. yes i was born with it. life has been a series of drops on the head and strange itches since then. thanks mom i have enjoyed the ride.

Easy like Sunday mornin

I was trying to wake up hungover and leave the house all grumpy, but as I was sitting here, I heard the bedroom door open, and the cutest drawer-tailed brown eyed girl came walking in just to tell me she missed me. That's all it takes sometimes. A little hug, a little kiss and the world is all better.

do you wanna know

wanna know what i love?
i love those little mailer demons you get when you send an email and you make the address wrong. sometimes i think those little demons do that on purpose so some emails don't make it. so, hey you, i sent you an email, i thought about it real hard, typed it all up, but it got eaten by a demon. i drank a liter of wine, and this post is a fine lesson to drunk bloggers. if you love a drunk blogger take away the keyboard. hehehe. nah , let em blog. in my mind i am still a rockstar...hehe

fuckwads

fa la la my ass, damn retail america, all dressed in matching family sweaters, so fucking sweet they almost make your teeth hurt. i fully understand why the grinch stole christmas. you buncha asswad retail whores don't deserve it. walk around all smug and cheery until you don't get your way or frosty isn't 20 percent off, then you turn into flaming christmas assholes ....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhahahahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! i hate you all, shoppers are from hell... i sell plants for a living, don't ask me about glitter balls , the only ones i've seen have been on gay men, put those on your family tree. you spend more on decorations than i earn a month, and expect me to wipe your spoiled asses all the way back to the giant hummers and suburbans you rode in on! well, i'm done with you, all of you, retail whores be warned, my days of nice manager are over, the next one of you bitches that yell at me will get the pleasure of filling out a police report and picking up your damned perfect teeth off the floor, cuz i'm gonna kick you in the face.


okay, now i have vented and i'll go eat my beefaroni, and pretend like i want to go back to work.
jackass muthersuckers, grumble, piss ,moan....

The lion, the witch, and the illiterates

Tonight we saw The Chronicles of Narnia. I was amazed at the number of people there that either thought A: it was for small children, although some would like it, or B: it was a bloody battle film. For the love of Mickey Mouse it was put out by Walt Disney. Learn to read you doodie heads, so I don't have to hear you complain about a movie based on a book that the rest of the civilized world has read or at least googled. I liked it, from the get go I suspended my factually based brain and went along for the wholesome ride. It was a pretty film even if it did drag a bit in spots. As for the imagery, believe what you like, I for one find witches and frozen woods and magic of any sort quiet intriguing and a happy escape even if it is just in 2 hour increments.

today

today i am ten feet tall.
i walk around looking down.
tomorrow again i will be small.
and my voice will make no sound.
today i walk around aloof .
the world is my full moon.
i climb the peaks a howling wolf,
the screams make a soothing tune.
today has choosen me,
and not the other way around.
tomorrow i will be small again,
my voice will make no sound.

Poodles are fun

http://joecartoon.atomfilms.com/pages/poodle/

The Past

Disclaimer: when i think i write, and when i'm alone i think, and often it doesnt make sense but it does in fact rhyme, so take it for what it is and don't read to much into it, perhaps it will mean something completely different for you.


if the past came right up and knocked on your door,
would you answer it?
or just look through that stupid peep hole?
if the past still had a key,
would you change the locks?
or just sit around all day waiting for the knob to turn.
if the past were made of sugar crystals,
would you wrap it up in tissue paper?
or swallow it down just like a pill?
if the past came running back like restless abandon,
would you embrace it?
or throw it out just for the thrill.
if the past were cold like bare hands on the snow
would you still remember how warm it made you feel?
if you needed the past the way it still needs you,
would any of this be real?

Good Morning?

So I woke up this morning after the craziest dream, I was all WTF?!? I blame it on all the red wine last night. My day off and I was up at 8:30, bah! Anyway after reading dawnia's blog, I guess it was a bad night for dreams. Don't stop me if you heard this one. (fade out to dreamy music sequence here...) I'm all wandering around in this weird sorta half trailer park kinda city when I meet random hot girl. I'm thinking woo hoo, random hot girl. Random girl approaches and there is a lot of weird and slightly dark/disturbing conversation, but I choose not to care, I mean really random hot chick, random depressed hot chick, same difference. So I'm feeling all guilty because of the wifey and all, so I decide flirting isn't my best option. Well, I am weak in my dreams because random hot chick starts doing random hot chick thing. Okay, so musical interlude here, fill in the blank. Cut to end of dream. I'm all feeling guilty and wondering why I did it, and random hot chick is all, " don't worry I poisoned your drink..."
"I didn't want to die alone."
fuckin weird. All was well though, I woke up in my unsexiest pair of granny panties and flannel pajamas and realized I am not a chick magnet and there is no threat of death by random young thing. wheeew, dodged that bullet...lol. Just thought I'd share.

Darth Pregnacy

My kingdom for a light saber. Our general manager at work is pregnant. Great, swell, but other than that I don't give a fuck. So you choose to make life, I choose to make mixed drinks. Should I have to listen to the woes of motherhood non stop? My nipples don't leak, and I really don't care if yours do either. Don't get me wrong, babies are cute, but they inspire the same feeling in me that kittens and puppies do, and I don't go around asking female dogs if their boobs leak! Cop a squat and shit the thing out already. goo goo gaga I'm gonna puke. This has just been my morning, I still have to go back after lunch. I think I'll accidentally break my leg or something, by the time I heal she should be on maternity leave. Luke, I am not your father!

Toasty warm

Today was kinda cold for San Antonio, so I broke out the coat and finally put away the sandals. I've been in a touch- me- not kinda mood today, so I took jobs that required the least help, and the most away from customer time. I spent most of the morning just watering plants in the cold wind and early sunshine. I had a lot of time to think as you might imagine, and I got all nostalgic about being a kid. My mom was always real protective of me when I was little, she still is, but especially when I was little, being the only girl and what not. She use to walk me to the bus stop everyday... everyday...EVERYDAY! Till sixth grade... Now as a pre-teen that sucked, but when I was little it was great. I hadn't really thought of all those cold dark mornings waiting for the bus in ages. Something about the cold air today made me pull my coat a little closer and wrap it around me like a hug. When I was a little girl, I would run to my mom on those cold mornings, and she would open up her coat and wrap it around me all warm and tight. For all the crazy shit that happened to us when I was a kid, she always made me feel safe. When I go back to visit she still does. I guess that's just what mama's do. Hummm...Warm...Toasty....G'night

Ears and Eyeballs

Today was a pretty boring Sunday at work. We are all Christmas o rama right now, which I kinda hate, but everybody else likes, so I have to be all Christmas cheer and shit. Anyway, our store is built over an inground swimming pool, use to be a party house in the day I hear. We have made the pool into a koi pond, and we have some fish that are up to 2 feet long. Kids love it. There's your build up. So, it must have been daddies weekend in San Antonio. All day we had dads with their kiddies in and out for this crazy light or that funny snowthing. I met the cutest little bundle of tomboy I'd ever seen today. About 3 I guess, all ears and eyeballs, bright and shining in a store of over 5 million breakable things. She wondered around in her hunting vest and boots with her hippy dad for a while til she spotted the pond. We have 4 foot rails around the fish pond for this reason. The call was too much.... The need too great....
splash! A myriad of ornaments to the swimming pool. (we keep a net for this reason.) a thousand tears later, and several minutes of coaching finally brings the little felon over. She said she was sorry and told me she dropped something in the pond. A short talk with dad and a few more tears brought out a confession of a seasoned preschool criminal."Okay, I threw them in..." She spoke so well for her age and she chewed on every tear until the full truth had been spilled and her wrongs were righted. I thanked her for her apology and patted her head. Her dad felt awful, but I just laughed it off and told him the lesson he taught her by making her own up to it was more important than any damage done. In the end I gave her something she could throw in the pond...Fish food. It gives me hope that at least some parents are still teaching their kids right from wrong.

Shopping follies

Tonight Sandra and I went on the obligatory Christmas shopping trip to the outlets in san marcos. I got the kids fun clothes at timberland, and old navy and a new dickies jacket for myself some shirts for the wifey. I must admit I like walking from shop to shop, watching all the people take tags off and throw boxes out in parking lots so they can take the stuff back across the borders tax free. America the land of the cheap name brand. I also like watching the people herd their kids back in. Tonight when we were walking past a toy store, a little girl was inside on one of those horses you feed a quarter and bounce around on for a minute or two. She was having the biggest time, as I walked by she took her finger out of her nose long enough to wave at me. It was gross but oddly cute in that completely innocent kinda way. So here's wishing you all luck at your shopping chores, and remember if you can to not get so caught up in the moment that you forget to take your finger outta your nose and wave once in a while. HoHoHo

Piss off, I am cool!

Haha, I'm sitting here eating fruit and veggies for my early healthy lunch,( I really want a taco)and I'm all swaying back and forth to girly indie music like a fuckin hippy. The laundry is done...That is all.

La amor de mi vida...

So I'm sitting here in my drawers, thinking to myself how nice it is to have someone to sit around the house in my drawers with, I am so spoiled. I think I might just stay here forever.Te amo me amor!


PCD- Stick with you
"Nobody's going to love me better
I'm going to stick with you Forever
Nobody's going to take me higher
I'm going to stick with you
You know how to appreciate me
I'm going to stick with you My baby
Nobody ever made me feel this way
I'm going to stick with you
I don't want to go another day
So I'm telling you exactly what is on my mind
See the way we ride
In our private lives
Ain't nobody getting in between
I want you to know that you're the only one for me"

Rise and shine

Well, I'm up early might as well be productive today. I plan on having the last load of laundry done by 9:30. I went to go pee this morning while S was doing the tooth brushing thing. I scared her, which scared me, and poof, everyone is awake. I will make the best of it. Oh by the way, the carpets are lovely, I got lots of compliments from the lil'woman. Go me.

Donna the hut

What happened. What happened to hiking, canoeing, biking, and other misc activities. Contentment happened. My mom always judges a good relationship by how fat people get in the first 2 years. Well mama, I am damn near nirvana. That sounds like a good book title :MAMA, I AM DAMN NEAR NIRVANA. The life story of a fat lesbian who hates drama. Anyway where was I . Right now I am only blogging to give myself an excuse to not shampoo the carpet. I have promised to do this for weeks now. I'll do it. I need more coffee first. I need to go shopping today. I need to get ready to see the boy tonite, we are taking babysteps. I need to shave my legs. I need to feed the 9000 fish we now have. Four aquariums and growing. Who knew they multiplied so quickly. Speedy needs a bath. The kitchen needs cleaned. Litter boxes a go-go must be tackled. I need a shower. I need a beer. Maybe a beer then a shower and the rest will come naturally. I only have one beer in the house, that's a bonus. I can't get drunk unless I get more, which means I have to leave the house and once I'm out I will feel guilty if I don't do the other things while I am there. i have wasted my time, now i only have 3 hours before sandra gets home. great , i can incorperate a work out with chores since i'mma have to move at the speed of light. 2 birds with just one stone. i think i'll cut my nails first ....

red bird on my window

so i had to come in to work early today, which is where i am now. i opened the store cuz the other manager was gonna be late. anywho i'm sitting in the office booting up the computers, ect., when i hear a tap on the window. i kid not, a male and female cardinal were just sitting there looking at me as if to say goodmorning. the damn birds actually knocked. it's offical i need more human friends, but right now i have to go feed piggy and grunt before they eat my birds. hehe, gottalove a cold morning outside. sigh.

happy early...

sandra gave me my birthday present early, well, the ups man did...lol. she couldn't keep it hid, had to show me. i got a new guitar, i'm a rock star! woot woot.

My top five

wifey and I have discussed over the years, the chance, should it occur that we could make it(hehehe) with someone famous, who it would be. We agreed to give each other a top five list, and since it would never happen, why the hell not. This is mine, from least to beast.

#5: Angelina Jolie, what can I say ,you've seen her.

#4: Matthew Mconahay. I know it's a man. But he smokes pot and plays the bongos neekiddd!

#3: Fisher, if you don't know her, the album is true north, I suggest you google her, MEOWWW.

#2: Gwen Stefani oh my gaaa...Have you seen her. I'm sure she is a great chick, but have you seen her!

#1: Sarah, I would fall down and pee myself if the woman just sang to me....Unhealthy obsession I know.


WOW , I sound like a male chauvinist pig with gay tendencies....lmao.

Fight the good fight

So one of my little shits at work has been bustin my balls all week. I'm trying to reign him back in and keep him from losing his job, meanwhile he wonders around all space cadet looking like a lost child. Our GM is ready to sack him, but I know he has potential. All that to get to this, today I was suppose to have a heart to heart with him about work things, boy oh boy did I ever. As his eyes filled with tears he told me his mom had a stroke over the holiday. She doesn't recognize him. His father died last year in a car wreck, and he is obviously a 20 something year old little boy lost. I thought back to how devastated I was when my grams had her stroke. How helpless I felt. I skipped the talk and gave him the afternoon off. Those stupid guys are like kids to me, and the weirdest thing is that they respect me and value my opinion. I'm not gonna crush him this weak, fuck the boss. In the end we are all human, and a paycheck is just a piece of paper. You get to slide my dear boy. I feel like a tough love camp councilor sometimes rather than a manager. I'm gonna go with my gut on this one...shrug.

Summer breeze

One channel today said the temperature here got to a balmy, toasty 90 degrees today. Nov, 90 degrees. That sure does make a margarita go down easy. Why did no one tell me of this warm place when I was a child. I don't think I can handle the cold anymore. I'm so spoiled, it's great, naneenaneebooboo.

Thanksgiving funnies part deux

Okay, ignition ...Check! Headlights ...Check! Brakes...Check! Beer...Check!(but only a little so don't bitch at me) What did I forget? hummm, gas...Check! Now picture me barreling at 8000 miles an hour through the creek, mud on my turkey day clothes freezing my tropical loving ass off. Oh yes, TREE BRANCH!!!! Slap, I forgot the damned helmet.
Now I'm being chased by four boys on machines much like my own, if I stop to see if my eyeball is hanging out I will get run over. So I ride, I gas the fourwheeler up over a ridge, SLAP! Another tree branch, accompanied by the tree. At least the kids had on helmets, and I must say they were a little more adept at driving those bitches too. I do love the thrill of crushing my skull on a major holiday. THE MORAL TO THE STORY IS: Family holidays sometimes require helmets! Seasons Greetings and yee haw you buncha muthas!

Thanksgiving funnies part I

So my brother staring out at the dog says randomly to no one in particular, " I wish I had a tail like that. I could use it to fan away farts."

Donna in the belly of the whale

So I just got in a bit ago. I flew in from family thanksgiving in Tennessee. I got to fly on the cool plane, the one painted like shamoo the whale. I wonder if Jonah had to deal with smelly diapers and old guy farts in the belly of his whale?

see donna, see donna go...

i just printed my boarding pass, 5 a.m. i'll see you soon. chattanooga via nashville, i'll see you soon. praying for food fight at thanksgiving, if not perhaps i'll get to drive the four wheelers or dune buggie, it's a redneck thanksgiving charlie brown....where'd i put that damn beer.

Holiday wish

WARNING: this one is a bit of a downer, but it was on my mind.


Some days you are the rat, and some days you are the maze. Today I feel like the maze, strange and empty, wishing I had answers to all of the questions in the universe. A little while back, I was doing my usual routine after work on the nights wifey is at dialysis, so I pulled into the jack in the box for supper in a sack, flipped my money at the kid in the drive thru window, sat there grumbling off my day waiting for my curly fries. As I pulled out to the light, in the split second it took for red to go to green, a little face popped up in my window, as the light changed, I heard the calloused answer come out before I could stop myself, "not today kid", he looked back and he said his mom was hungry, not even asking for himself, his mom. The car behind me honked and I had to drive off. In the rear view mirror I saw his mom, old and sad sitting on the curb. I drove home crying, walked in sat my food on the table, turned around walked out and drove back looking for that kid. I felt like the worlds biggest horses ass. I went to the grocery store and got him some junk food and soda, sandwich crap, kid food. He couldn't have been more than 8 or 10. He literally jumped up and down and clapped when he saw me come back. He was so happy that I brought him food. Food. Just food. This is a big city, and people will take advantage of a kind heart, but I saw a lifetime in that kids eyes. I gave his mom a giftcard for the local grocery store, money I didn't really have to give, she asked my name and said she would pray for me. I never told her my name, I told her to love her kid, no matter how hard times were, and to help someone else when she was able. It is the holiday season, a little help, a little compassion, a little peace in a world that sucks, and kids that don't go to bed hungry. That is my wish. Sometimes the hardest person I face all day is myself. Holiday wishes to everyone.

good stuff them black crows

She never mentions the word addiction
In certain company
Yes, she’ll tell you she’s an orphan
After you meet her family
She paints her eyes as black as night, now
Pulls those shades down tight
Yeah, she gives a smile when the pain comes,
The pain’s gonna make everything alright

pimp juice

hahaha, i'd be a playa if i weren't already in love.

Your Seduction Style: Prized Object

The seduction game you play is tried, true, and still effective: hard to get.You know that the best seducers turn the tables - and get their crush to seduce them.The one running has the power, and you're a challenge that is worth the chase. You are a master of enticing and pulling back. Giving a little and taking some away.You are controlled enough to know rewards come after a long seduction dance.Even though you want to call, email, or say "I love you" first - you don't! You're style is the perfect mix of hot and cold - so much so that you have many suitors.Think Holly Golightly from Breakfast at Tiffany's ... or any of those creepy guys from the Bachelor.You're skilled at inspiring a chase. The real test is picking the person to slow down for.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

So there!

You're A Passed Out Drunk

Drinking gives you that warm fuzzy feeling, until you're thrown in the back of a police car...

What Kind of Drunk Are You?

The Vulgar Gourmet: The Vulgar Equivalent

The Vulgar Gourmet: The Vulgar Equivalent

Merry Christmas Charlie Brown

I am currently listening to the original sound track of a Charlie Brown Christmas. (and i'm doing the peanuts dance)

Jason vs. Harry Potter

Hehehe, that title sounds like the intro to a bad kiddie horror flick. It's not. Yesterday I hung out with Jason all day. He is the twin and only other man I have ever lived with on purpose. He is good people. I miss him a lot too. I realized we sorta went through the same thing when he moved to Colorado, and came outta that like champs. So I have a new out look on the Jeremy and me situation. We all need love, and right now Jeremy is catching up on some lost years of sorely needed love. I realized this yesterday when Jason and I spent the day together and all we seemed to keep coming back to was our better halfs. His deano, mine Sandra. We are three people, Jeremy Jason, and myself, that all in all make good people alone, but with the right counterpart, we are even better. At least I am, and Jason is and hopefully Jeremy will find or is finding that as well. Beside the point.
I was a little nervous to hang out with Jason yesterday, but when he got here all was well. We still fit, like an old boot you've forgotten about. It was comforting. Then in true Donna Jason fashion, we started the morning with a glass of red wine, then headed off for a national park. See, he is a bigger lesbian than I am. He showed up in flannel, carrying 3 flaming pins. The boy has taken up fire juggling as a sport. Anyday now I await photos of burnt hair, or fire trucks in the town of aspen. Juggle on my boy, juggle on. After we wondered around lost in the city, mostly due to my lack of interest in the map, we settled on lunch and margaritas. We came home and drank another bottle of wine. Watched the spurs game, talked a lot, then headed out to midnight Harry potter. There we drank more beer. So in conclusion a good friend can get you back into the light, turn your head back around, and help you finish two bottles of wine, some tequila, and multiple beers. i woke up around 1 p.m.

Harry Potter

i got tickets for harry potter! we are going to the 12 showing tonite, at the alamo draft house. movies with beer! the best part, the draft house movie theater doesn't allow kids...

Mr. Fuckwhatsit

This morning for some reason I remembered getting in trouble in 7th grade. I got in trouble for talking. The teacher was an ass bag and made me write this,

"Whispering is talking to someone less than two feet away, and someone more than two feet away can not hear the person talking."

He made me write it 700 times. He called it the 700 club. I was a charter member. (My mom wrote half.)

So here's to you mister fuckwhatsit, I can't remember your name but that dumb ass sentence sure stuck like glue.

Burrrr....

It is currently 60 degrees outside. The first cold front of the season. Yesterday was 80 degrees. Tonight, 35 degrees. I had to search for pants and shoes today. My toes hate me, I am putting my sandals back on. I haven't worn shoes in over six months now. Cold be damned. The temp goes back up next week. I like warm sunny places!

Ironic

You know that show, the fat show , the biggest loser? Well, tonight I kicked back in my recliner and watched that while eating donuts. Irony, i.r.o.n.y. irony.

Come and get ittttttttt!

I have recently taken to having old school t.v. dinners for lunch. You know the ones big enough to feed a bird. But oddly enough the joy in these foul plastic food stuffs is that I like to mix the contents, from all three compartments together. I do this with little regard for the components. Today, chicken mush and gravy with the corn niblets and mashed potatos all mixed together. I think I'll smear this all on bread and eat on the go. p.s. kool-aid to wash it down. Hey kool-aiddddddddd!

wonder what skunks talk about?

skunk one: nice day huh bob?
skunk two: yeah, but something smells funny!

good morning sunshines!

pork you!

this is an actual billboard

I am the bobcat queen!

While I have you here, I think I need to go ahead and add to my repertoire bobcat operator. Impressive isn't it. I now get to drive a beast much like this, and you should all be scared. My boss tossed me the keys a couple weeks ago and told me to give it a whirl, I did! So the barn taught me how to drive a fork lift , lowe's taught me how to operate a cherry picker and front loaders. Now I can drive any bobcat machinery. I feel like the head transformer when i'm in this thing, like a couple more robots should attach and make the arms and legs. Very lesbonic of me, I know this, but it's fun. I can drive a bulldozer for fucks sake, just a few more skills under my belt and I will rule the world. I will. I am the lizard king i can do anything.....

cathartic

screw the previous post, i am only leaving it up to remind myself that writing while emotional is hazardous, and it is also cathartic, so fuck that.

The adjective cathartic has 3 meanings:
Meaning #1: emotionally purging Synonym: psychotherapeutic
Meaning #2: emotionally purging (of e.g. art) Synonym: releasing
Meaning #3: strongly laxative Synonyms: evacuant, purgative

Drunk blogging

so today I kinda feel like a shit head. Maybe it's just a bad day, maybe I'm just being down on myself, maybe I really am an idiot and I deserve to feel the way I feel. Then again, maybe it's the wine. Work has been a turd this week, just not going how I want. Friends, well, I can pretty much flush that toilet, I'm a hermit lately. The few of you who are left, stay strong, perhaps I'll come around. hehehe. a pep talk to keep you all interested in the meager ramblings of a nobody. I'm gonna let myself sink a little longer, as soon as I'm up to my nose in this shit I keep spouting , I'll drown the pity I've been sitting in and be ok. Until then I'll just keep writing shit, and you, being the loved ones I know you are (you here) will keep reading it. I've been pretty damn sunny for the last couple of years, it's no surprise I need to crash and burn for a few days. All that happy in one place will damn near drive a normal person like me crazy. Deep breaths. a show of hands for the people that actually made it to this last line. goodnite self. I'm going to bed.

Fallen "Sarah"

Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed
Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Gravity

This morning I drove to work as usual. I drove up to the locked gate and noticed the flashing lights in the intersection. The grey clouds cast an unsettling green color to the smoke coming up from the flares in the road. I started to take a drink of my coffee, rubbernecking with the rest of the passerbys when I saw the sheet. The ambulance wasn't there yet and the body lay there in the road like a monument to the street lights. I wondered if he had stopped for coffee at the gas station like I did that morning. I wondered if he was on his way to work or church. I wondered why so many people stood around gawking. I unlocked the gate and went to work. The rest of the day I thought about how delicate life is. How delicate we all are. Flesh, blood, water, bone. So very easily taken away. So very fragile. So vulnerable to the world we think is ours. The sun came out after lunch, a warm breeze, and no one at work gave a second thought to the sheet slightly damp from the drizzling rain that morning. Sigh.

"I been saving time for another life,Maybe happiness is coming but you don't know when,When..."

A couple more whacks

So yesterday I locked myself out of the house. The morning went something like this....
sleep sleep sleep, doorbell, one eye open, doorbell again, search for clothes, door bell again, go to door with hair poking in all directions and shirt on backwards, see mail lady driving off, find package at door for disenfranchised roommate that didn't need a signature anyway. Look at clock, time 9:15. The mail lady never runs before 1 pm, except for my days off. I make a point to go out and shake the package in her general direction, she waves and smiles. Back in the house, shake package for a few seconds, bored easily, package to said disenfranchiseds room. Comb hair , brush teeth, turn shirt to right side. Thought bubble, 50 dollar an hour consult fee, consult this morning. Job to follow with luck, skip in step and the day lightens. Gather books , papers , sketch pad ect, out the door with a smile on my face. Door snaps, latched. The jingle jangle of keys is a mis. Smile gone. Books , papers , sketch pad, ect, on the driveway.... Grumble. I walk around the house damning our fine security skills. 2nd thought bubble, the roommate! His window! Behind the 6 foot tall hedges! I am an amazon, I trek off through the jungle. His security skills, lacking, I break in to his room. The branches catch my shorts, my ass is flailing in the wind, I am a warrior. I do a less than graceful fat girl flip onto his bed, rolling to the floor, landing on my head. Later I tell this to another dear friend, and I inspire the birth of another blog. I preceded to tell her about my untimely tumble, and I ended the drama with , "a few more whacks on the head and I'll be retarded!" I linked her, check it out yourself... I'm gonna start selling my one liners.

i take no credit for this, just blog surfing and found this site, funny shit. randumb-drawings.blogspot.com

Veteran's Day

Thank You. Thank you for doing a job that many of you believe in. Thank you for doing a job many of you don't necessarily believe in. I know I am allowed to walk down the street and tell the world how I feel, and have the right to question because of all of you.

The Ghost Car Advertisement

Now i don't normally care for these hoakie ghost story things but here's a good one. You'll want to have the volume on, it's rather eerrrrriiieee. p.s. don't hate me. http://www.dvo.com/newsletter/monthly/2004/august/ghost_car_ad.mp4

Sugarland "Something More"

I get home 7:30 the house is dirty,
but it can wait Yeah, 'cause right now I need some downtime
To drink some red wine and celebrate
Armageddon could be knocking at my door
But I ain't gonna answer that's for sure.
There's gotta be something!
There's gotta be something more
Gotta be more than this
I need a little less hard time
I need a little more bliss
I'm gonna take my chances
Taking a chance I might
Find what I'm looking for
There's gotta be something more

The sun came up

Well, I gave myself last night to whine and complain, today life goes back to normal and all will be well with the world.

the move

well it is official, me and my bestest buddie of the last 6 years have decided to cut the cord and get seperate places. this was a longer post, but after i thought about it, most people didn't really know much about us anyway, so i guess i'll keep it to that.

Home for the holidays

Well, thanksgiving is beating down the door, so that means one thing. Mental preparedness. I have to get myself all revved up to see the family again. This has become a 3 time a year family olympiad for my brain.

this year as in the past one of the things I am most grateful for would have to be my friends. Especially Dawnia. You see I have to fly into a city 2 hours away from my family, and she is always kind enough to pick me up if I give her good notice. It's a pretty drive and it usually gives us a good 4 to 5 hours of catching up time. I know the drive is only 2 , but many a strange thing can happen on Mont Eagle Mtn, and when it does, it usually happens to us. Nonetheless, I am grateful.

so this year I have decided to hitch a ride back to the airport with family, so as not to put the friends out so much on their holidays, (I know they have crazy families they can't wait to go be awkward around as well). It should be interesting. I will be as of now driven back by the 2 sister-in-laws. They like to ask questions, so I am afeard. I hate trying to explain my need to leave Chattanooga. My entire family are born, breed, and stuck in small town life. Now in a perfect world I wouldn't mind being stuck in the surroundings of small town life, but my head and heart just can't bend to small town ways anymore. I am the square peg. So on that note, I am thankful for my family, I love them dearly, but man the distance is sweet...

Ode to speedy

She craps in the floor.
You only love her more.
That is speedy.
She licks your toes,
Then wrinkles her nose.
That is speedy.
18 hours of sleep is all she needs.
A living breathing poop machine.
That is speedy.
oh what a life!

Now on most days I love this little rat. Hell I gave her an ode on my blog even, but somedays I want to toss the little hairball out in the yard. Take today for instance. I let her out, put down the little poop mats on the floor , and what does she do? She poops, beside the mat. That's my speedy. Dumb as hair, but you gotta love her.

Love that giant f****** Q

The night time sleepy goodness worked so well, that I slept right through the alarm and woke up at the bright shining hour of 8:30 am. A few of you, (the one's that introduced me to Dennis) will get the title. Now mind you all I have to be at work at 9. Thank goodness I work out side so the shower was optional today, hehehe. Tomorrow I am off, I am going to battle the over zealous christian chiropractor for my x-rays. Wish me luck!

Cold Day 4

I must get well...damn the cold, damn the snot, damn the coughing. Tonight I will sleep. Two doses of the night time sleepy cough goodness, I should be asleep any minnnn......zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

To Crack or To Quack

The burning question in my mind this morning as I dropped 80 dollars on the counter to the overly perky receptionist was, why me??? Why can I never meet a normal person, be it friend wise or service oriented, I have the worst luck with these leaching weirdos. If you read the prior blogs you know my back hurts. So today I go back to the chiropractor and take along reinforcements. My friends all just told me I was nervous the other day until they met these people. First they tried to give me religion with all the god can heal your back. This is fine , I respect others views, and if god wants to fix me, I won't argue with that, but point of the matter is, I'm paying you dude! Now crack my back and let me be! Instead, no, no cracking of the bones for Donna... He popped my neck, (and stamped sucker on my forehead)mind you my lower back hurts. Yes, popped my neck and told me to take the day off tomorrow to come back and he would explain more, for another 80 dollars I suppose. As we left my friend(who wishes to remain nameless since she talked me into going, she didn't know he was a quack though) was the only one cracking up, she apologized and said no wonder I thought the guy was weird. Apparently every other chiropractor on the planet actually adjusts you when you go in and say "hey doc, I need an adjustment." The lesson here was to trust my instinct. I knew he was weird on the first visit when he looked at my tonsils for pete's sake! The only consolation is that I hope I gave him my cold. I already have one of my landscape customers stalking me to get me religion, now my chiropractor is after me too! You religious people, and I love you, I really do, but you are some weird ass people and you need to let the rest of us heathens be and just do your damn jobs. WWJD,what would Jesus do? Well, I bet he would have popped my back if I asked him.

Day 2 of me, myself, and I

Okay, so now I am officially whining. Yesterday was nice, but today I am sick and I need love and hugs and someone to blow my nose. Spoiled? a little, but you don't just get spoiled, someone does it to you, (sneeze) ! So on top of my back ache, I think I have a cold. I was awake at the bitch blazing hour of 6 am only to hurl out what amounts to 30 lbs of goo! I exaggerate. I called in sick, and have made a fort on the couch, now I just have to decide which unfortunate delivery man gets to bring my sustenance for the day.

Me, myself, and I

Tonight I have the house all to myself. The boy is off at work and will probably sleep somewhere else tonight, and Sandra is away visiting her mom. What to do, what to do?I already had a healthy meal consisting of some chicken-ish nugget bits, and some grease laden fries. Now all that's left is to kick back and enjoy the evening. I have a bottle of wine and some logs for the fire. a nice plump cat to curl around my feet and a ferret just waiting for me to stop looking in her direction so she can shit in the floor. Life is good. (I miss the wife)

Ouch!

So I absolutely hate going to the doctor. Today I had to go get x-rays on my back. I got myself all worked up, sweaty palms, shakes, the whole nine yards. Thankfully the doctor was nice , so I just out with the whole I'm a nervous wreck, I hate doctors spill, and he totally understood. He laughed at me and told me it was no wonder my back hurt what with me being all tied in knots and unable to relax. Now I just have to wait for the call to tell me what the x-rays show. Man pain sucks.

No New Ink

My back hurts. I'm going to suck it up and go to the chiropractor. Sandra is tired of me bitching about it everyday. Farewell new tattoo. I'll save up for you again later.

Death of a Pumpkin

We just finished carving pumpkins. Jeremy and myself. a couple knives, a bottle of wine, I know, it sounds like the set up for a C.S.I. episode. The pumpkins got it! First, off with their heads, then the gore of guts all over the kitchen. Muahhh hahaha. Trick or treat here if you must, visit if you will, but just know, no mercy will be shown to those who are squatty, round, and orange. (that goes for umpa lumpas too!) Happy Halloween!

New Ink

I've decided to get a new tattoo. I have a rough sketch, now I just have to start shopping for an artist. I'm off tomorrow, maybe I'll get the nerve up to do it then.

Crazy Like Me

Where you come from and where you end up are two completely different places, or are they? I guess....I come from nowhere. A dot on a map, but when I think about it, it's not just where we come from, but who we come from. I come from a long crazy string of women. The men folk just didn't fair well in our line. God put the men in the mix to make the babies, and then I think he took them out to spare them the crazies. Let me explain.... I'll go back to my great grandmother, mind you these are all my mothers side of the family, as stated the men , including my dad didn't last long so I don't know anyone on my fathers side. Where was I, yes, my great grandmother, Buela Inez, she was strong, (I kill poultry with my own bare hands strong). I never knew my great grandpa, he died young of electrocution, while wiring the house they built together. My great granny never called me by my name, til the day she died she called me baby. I wonder looking back on the alzhiemers that had set in, if she just forgot my name, but nonetheless baby stuck with the family til I was a teenager. I remember living with her when I was a child, she told wonderful stories, and sometimes when she wasn't in her right mind she relived the days when she carried a gun. Try keeping a god fearing woman on a mission from a gun, not pretty. Everyday she wore her hair in a bun, and her flower aprons were never missing from her dress. She was beautiful, and I miss her. She once shot a peeping tom, found out who he was and threatened to shoot him again. I learned a lot from that old lady. yep yep... Then there was my grandma, I called her sis. Come to think of it, everybody called her sis. She wasn 't about to let the line of women in the family die off either. She had five girls, back to back. Sis was a free spirit. Way ahead of her time. I can't say she was the best parent, but having kids and raising kids are two separate things, and she made up for it by a being a damn fine grandma. My mom and aunts would disagree. She loved me always, no matter what. I think I get my sense of adventure from her. She use to be what I would call a church hopper. She went where the worship was good and the food was better, best part, she would take me. She took me to my first black church. My smiling shining white head sticking out in a mass of black children, I would love to have had a picture. It was great. She knew everyone, and she walked everywhere. Later on when I was a teenager,my difficult years, she let me live with her. She was so cool, always ready to try anything. One day she took my bike and crashed into the railroad tracks. We had to rush her to the hospital for a broken shoulder, she made me swear I would never tell what really happened. I never did. I came home from school one day and found her in the floor, I remember breaking the door, and the sound of the busy signal on the phone. I remember the ambulance ride and the lady giving me her jewelry. I remember waiting for an adult to show up. She had a stroke, and it devastated me. I will never forgive myself for the sadness I couldn't hide from her. When I could drive I went to see her in the nursing home on Christmas. I was the only person that went. She told me she wanted to see the snow, and she asked if I saw the little girl that had just left. The little girl was never there and four days later on Dec 29th, it snowed. In my heart I know the little girl was her angel, and I cried as they buried my grandmother in the snow. You won't believe me, but everytime I think of her, or when my heart hurts, a snow white feather will fall from nowhere. Her spirit is still free. That brings me to my mother. I won't tell you much about her because I'm still learning myself. Growing up, she wasn't strong like my great grand mother, and her spirit wasn't f free, perhaps because she had to grow up to soon. She quit school early to take care of her sisters, or to help anyway, and she never thought she was good enough. However, at th e ripe old age of 58 my mother learned to drive, which was great for all parties involved. It gave her a new freedom, and a huge ego boost. I love my mother, she gave up everything for us. She spent her whole life working at shitty jobs just to take care of us. Now she is taking care of herself for a change, that makes me happy. That brings us back to me, one in a line of crazy women. I'm difficult, stubborn, irrrational, frightened, stupid, and sometimes crazy, but some people love me despite that. That's why it's okay to be crazy like me...

Peace in the struggle

If you know me, you know I would lay across a mud puddle for Sarah McLaughlin. I know I share this obsession with at least one other person in my life. The photo was taken by that person this past year at one of the concerts on the afterglow tour. So to Melanie , thanks for this pic. I started out listening to Sarah years ago. Her lyrics were so painfully beautiful that I couldn't help myself, I was hooked. Some music is crap, let's face it. But I am genuinely comforted everytime I pop in one of her albums. Memories memories....I feel like I could write volumes about moments that were soundtracked by a Sarah song. Tonite one song lingers, the line in particular says, " You will find the answer if you let it go, just give yourself some time to falter, don't fore go this, knowing that you are loved no matter what, and everything will come around in time." Maybe it's just the weather changing that has me all sentimental, or just maybe everything will come around in time...

When I Rule the World

when I rule the world I will work for myself. Currently I am working at a local nursery, and that's great and all, but today alone I made him 1/3 of my yearly wages. This kind of math usually leads to depression. The only thing I lack is capital. I have the knowledge. I have the management qualifications, and I love what I do. Now, anybody got a healthy spoonful of "get your ass motivated" for me. The photo is from the last nursery I worked for, pre-Texas. This was one of the smaller new additions that we added a couple years ago when I worked there. I helped build everything there with my own hands. From the tables to the shade cloth on the top. I still have some of the scars. That addition was a flat piece of concrete when we started. (I also worked with a super group of motivated individuals there and that helps.) Since I left they have done far larger and much more expansive renovation, but that is the sign of a thriving business. I know I could do it. It's the fear of losing my hat and ass if I failed. For now I will just keep planning and dreaming, planting and propagating. Nothing good comes from an unused garden...

Thursday

Today was like a turd sandwich. Hard to stomach.

"right here"
staind

I hope you're not intending
To be so condescending,
it's as much as I can take.
And you're so independent,
you just refuse to bend
So I keep bending 'till I break
[Chorus]
But you always find a way
to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say
to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away
I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say
to keep you right here waiting

The Military Machine

I live in a military town. Giant planes remind me of that everyday. Sometimes it sounds like they are coming down my chimney at night. Now I preface the rest of the blog with this, I'm not a really political person. I can't say I am daily abreast of the happenings in the war, but I can say it scares me. I'm not trying to be anti country, and I won't even get into the politicians roles. All I know is I see people everyday that have been or soon will be affected by this war. On a human level this sucks. On paper, I'm sure it's just a trickle down job format like everything else. All that to get to this, today I met a marine, he was picking up some stuff for a lady. His comment was simple, he said, today I'm working in the garden, next week I might be killing someone in another country. The rest of my day was a little sour. I could never live in his shoes. What are you doing next week? I hope he's working in a garden....

All The Good People

I am by nature NOT a people person. I'm not a mingler. I don't like crowds, yet at the same time I hate to be alone. I must say it has posed a problem on more than one occasion.
Most of my friends I have inherited from previous friends. A few people have just randomly floated into my life. I like to think I surround myself with all good people. Now by my definition "good" does not mean wealthy, it doesn't mean they are highly educated,(although some of them are) hell, some of them aren't really even all that clean, (I do love me some hippies), and it doesn't necessarily mean they are religious. It simply means they are good. Good to the core. The kinda good you see in calloused hands after a hard days work, the kinda good you see in the life lines written on their faces, the kinda good that would give you the shirt from their back. I want to be good. I want to be one of you. But instead, I have this steady little fire in my belly that sometimes erupts in an emotional lahar. Age is helping to temper that, along with the great vibe I get from some of the people in my life.
I recently met a reike master. She is a spiritual healer. She works on the basis that we can all heal ourselves. I think I believe her, she said she saw me on top of the ladder that day, and thought I looked like the person she needed to talk to. So I climbed down and she shook my hand , and then she said yes, I caught your energy. (I didn't know I was throwing my energy about so much.) and while I don't remember the exact conversation I do know when we had talked, mostly about life and why we were where and who we are, I felt better. So of course I helped her with some plants , that's my job after all, and before she left she told me that I do for plants what she does for people. She stops in every so often just to say hello. To me that's cool. That's good. We all need more good.
I spend more than half of my day outside, and that is good too. I'm never gonna be rich, or famous working with plants, but I can scratch the bumble bees on their back in the evening when they are so tired from eating all day, and I can tell you the time of day from the sun. There is a line in a song that says," don't get me wrong but there are things going on out there that you and I know nothing about." I'm as small as the fire ants that climb in my shoes when I think about how big and wonderful the world is. And that's all good

I Wanna Be A Half Tail Cat

So I'm sitting here watching the street light pour in through the crack my cat has made in the blinds. Her half tail flopping less than gracefully behind her, and I can't help but think what a lucky damn cat she is, and why can't my life be that easy. Well, all of her life wasn't so lucky. I found her in a flower pot getting taken to a dumpster. A bunch of dumb super macho types were just gonna throw her away, this is when I worked for a company that sucked, and after I got the cat I quit, but back to the cat. So I brought her home , spoiled her rotten, fattened her up to perfection, then we ate her. Please no PETA letters, we didn't eat her, that was just to soften this blow, we cut her tail off! Actually my best friend cut her tail off. He was mortified, a slam of the door, one slow fat cat, a vet bill, and six inches less tail later, the cat is no worse for the wear. Now where else in life are you gonna have a trauma like that and at the days end just decide it's all okay, sit down, lick yourself, and go to sleep. Again I say, I wanna be a half tailed cat. (minus the whole door/severed tail bits)

Just Be

Some days it's just not easy being. I was gonna say it's not easy being me, but I'm sure it's not easy being you either, so I'll just stick with it's not easy being. I think I may just be stretching myself too thin with everyone. It seems like I am something different to everyone I know. My family see one side of me, my friends another, my co-workers yet another, the only person I think that gets the whole me is Sandra. Bless her heart, I think she might be the only person in my life strong enough to get all of me, and still want to keep me. She is the yin to my yang, light to my dark, somehow she is always what I need. I often think I don't deserve her, all that unconditional love in one place, it's like I win the lotto just by waking up everyday.
it's lunch time, soon I'm back to work again. Damn the man. Maybe it will be easier to be me tomorrow!

Tis the season!

A show of hands for the people who agree with me that it is too early to see Christmas lights! I am not ready to falala, I do not have the Christmas spirit, and if I have to pick red and green glitter from my clothes again, an elf gets it! I know I know, it's the commercial holiday sales kickoff, but damn, it has to stop. I work at a garden center, and we have been putting out Christmas stuff for a month now. The only ho ho ho's are the bastards shoving Christmas down my throat in October. I need a pumpkin, or a witch, (not from earlier...hehe) or a black cat, a broomstick, anything. but I just can't deck the halls in 90 degree weather, and I personally think all the red felt is a Christmas fire hazard. Am I a bah humbug? Well, yes, but that's beside the point. If you put the tree up so early that it roots to the carpet , you kicked the season off too soon. Now I'm off to bed to get ready to go do middle management Christmas stuff, but just so you know when I rule the world, we will celebrate Christmas , at Christmas.

random poetry break

in a world of broken things
winding roads
and endless dreams
we look to find a little peace
a moment of comfort
a bit of release
we walk on the edge
to still feel alive
we cling to the night
so afraid to die
in a world of broken things
we are who we are
and sometimes that stings
in a world that's sometimes mad
we all look back
at the fun we had...

Damn Technology

If you have stumbled across this blog accidentally, sit down, take your shoes off, have a beer , and stay a while. I have a lot to say, and while I realize that 90% of what I write will probably never be read by anyone else, it's okay, cause either way I bought beer. I know, I know, the beer thing, but listen, it really is a philosophy. My own pseudo religion if you will. Simply put it just means that in my 28 years of dragging souls off of sullen shoes and hanging my head in a world where I never felt quiet right, that I realized I was wasting time worrying about things I can't change, things I can't fix, and "things" that will never love me back.
so here I sit, a thousand miles away from my family, my friends, my old life. I guess san Antonio is sorta my Walden. Thoreau said, "I went into the woods because I wished to live
deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not , when I came to die, discover that I had not lived." well, not only have I lived, and lived well, I've lived the last 10 years so well, I have to have some of my dearest friends recount them for me if you know what I mean. So many things to write, so little beer in the world. All that to say this , technology is a bitch, and I hope I never write anything that comes back to haunt me, but as in all beer based religions, I'm sure there will be a few drunken slips. To those who love me, call me out for it, to those who hate me, suck my toes, this shit is cheaper than therapy and I'm gonnna give it a try. Big smiles everyone, you beat the bad guy!